Helicopter Parents

Educational institutions around the country have coined a term 'helicopter parent' to describe the maniacal parent who feels compelled to micromanage their children's lives to the point where most young adults can't make major life decisions without having their parent along for the ride.

I've thought about this a lot lately and often asked myself, "Am I a helicopter parent?" Well, after much thought and contemplation, I have to say with great relief, "No, I don't think I'm a helicopter parent."

It's not the label of being a 'helicopter parent' that scares me, it scares me what we teach our children, when we become helicopter parents. Young adults need to be able to make decisions to get them through life. They don't always have to be the 'right' decision, but they do need to learn to make decisions. They don't have to make a rash decision, either. It can take a bit of time for kids to decide what they want or don't want. Then sometimes after months of agonizing, they may make a decision, but then aren't so sure it's the 'right' one, either.

Some of the things that I think really define this kind of parent are the well meaning mom or dad who have to absolutely always influence their child's every move. Since I work in an elementary school, I have to admit that I see this frequently.

One of the things that raises a red flag for me is the parent who says, "When we were doing Johnnie's homework...." We? Whose the we? Okay, yes, I've helped my son do portions of his homework assignments that he struggled with or didn't quite understand. I NEVER did the problems or found the solution for him, but I would explain or maybe go step by step through a problem with him, but I never did his homework. I've also sat for hours asking him questions on a unit of study to prepare him for an upcoming test.

Another red flag that calls my attention to the helicopter parent is when my son was going through the college admissions process, I had a parent admit to me that she wrote her son's admission essay for him. He was procrastinating, she knew there was a deadline, so she wrote the essay and submitted his application with her essay. Uh, uh, no way! I wouldn't dream of doing that for my son. As a parent, I would have my doubts about how serious such a boy would be in actually attending college if he couldn't write his own essay. We'd be having a serious talk about his educational intentions, at that point.

How about the child who can't make a decision as to what they want to order for lunch? We've had children in the upper grades (such as 4th and 5th grade) who have to call home when they forget their lunch to ask mom which lunch they should choose to charge to their account, peanut butter and jelly or the main selection of chicken nuggets. Both lunches cost the same amount of money, it's the decision of what to eat that has them calling home. Ugh! Really? Who's eating this lunch, your momma or you? Come on!

Now, I'm not talking about a child who wants their parent's input, discusses the situation with them, then makes a decision to do this or that. In my opinion, that's healthy! I'm talking about the parent who nags their kids into making the decision that said parent wants.

For example, when my son was in the 8th grade he was playing JV basketball. His English teacher returned his 'draft' essay to him that day. He knew he wouldn't get a good grade unless he re-did the whole thing and spent an hour or more on it. Now, the same day his basketball coach told them they MUST watch the Varsity team play a scrimmage at the high school that evening, if they were serious about their playing time. Seeing that my son was only in 8th grade and playing JV, which was usually 9th and 10th grade players, he really had to work hard to keep his playing time. He came home from school after his basketball practice and was extremely upset. I told him it was simple....you need to choose whether to re-write your paper or go to the basketball game. He asked me what he should do. I told him it was his decision, but whatever choice he made he had to live by it. Meaning, if he chose re-write the paper, then no complaining when he wasn't able to play as much as he would like in the basketball game. Meaning, if he chose the basketball game, then no complaining when he didn't get a good grade on the essay. I told him, I really didn't think there was a 'right' or 'wrong' decision, it was his decision.

Now, I know there is someone out there in cyberworld who will fault me by saying I should have told him to do the essay, because school comes first, but I didn't! I just didn't! I know, I know that school comes first and so did he. That's why I let him make the decision...he knew in 8th grade that school comes first. His dad and I had told him that a thousand times before this. That's why he chose to stay home and work on the essay. He grumbled a little bit, but he did it. I didn't persuade him at that time in any way to make that decision, he did it on his own. My earlier influence may have helped him to make a decision, but I didn't yap those things at him while he was making the decision. If he had chosen to attend the basketball scrimmage, I wouldn't have reprimanded him either.

The helicopter parent would choose one of two ways to deal with this:

1.) They would 'nag' their child into staying home and taking care of the essay to get a good grade. They would say things that definitely let their child know that they needed to stay home and take care of the essay.

2.) They would call the school, yell at the coach and say, "How dare you make my child feel he has to put basketball ahead of homework." This kind of parent, in my opinion, is a parent who will always fight their kids battles. Yes, I do believe there are some battles worth fighting for your child, but not in a situation like this. Why? Because kids need to learn how to make decisions for themselves. Good or bad, they just need to learn to make decisions.

I'm not suggesting parents should let their children make decisions to put themselves in harms way, I'm just saying, let them make the decisions that aren't going to put them in harms way. Let them have the freedom to make a mistake or two that isn't life altering or life threatening.

Okay, I hope this wasn't too preachy. I didn't mean it to be that way. I have found myself sometimes creeping over the threshold of being a helicopter parent, but I do try to keep it in check. It's natural for us to only want the best for our children, but sometimes, I think we all want to get a bit carried away...even me.

Actually, I believe that parents who are more involved in their children's academic lives do them a great service. Most parents, who keep on top of how well their children are doing, how well they are coping with the everyday stresses of being a student, are usually children who are much more successful in the academic world. Parents who 'help' their children through the process of choosing a college are definitely going to find less problems when the child actually goes off to college. It's only the extreme parent who will actually do all the work to get them there.

I guess the major reason, I wrote this post is because now that my son has gone to college, I have to rely on the fact that his father and I have tried to teach him qualities that will help him get through life with a healthy and happy attitude. After all, he is starting his adult life at this point. It's hard, it's really hard to let them go, but then again, isn't this what we are always striving for? As they are growing up, aren't we always helping them prepare for life on their own?

The whole point is that there is healthy balance. There are times when it's appropriate to be very involved in your teenagers life. There are times when it's especially important to always know with whom and what your teenager is doing. There is a difference between a helicopter parent and a supporting parent.

A helicopter parent uses manipulation to steer their children in the direction that they choose for them. A supporting parent helps them look at all the alternatives, then let's them decide what works.

Oh, and believe me, it's hard to stand by and say nothin' when you think it's not going to work. But then again, sometimes they surprise you and make it a success. Then you start to realize how grown up they really are. It's nurturing for parent and child when that happens. Sometimes, you just have to step back and know that you have had years to teach your child Biblical truths, morals, compassion, charity, love, etc. and then they need to take those things and fly!

So always in the back of my mind, I try to remember to NOT be a 'helicopter parent,' but to be a 'supporting parent.'